The ancient Scrolls of Haggyrr HAGGIS.............THE TRUTH?
Having recently discovered the "Ancient Scrolls of Haggyrr", I have been able to translate them sufficiently to let the rest of the world know how Haggis lived. Unfortunately I cannot reveal the whereabouts of the scrolls, nor where they were found. This to protect of course the Haggis and the sensibilities of you misguided people who do not believe Haggis actually existed.
In addition you will note I refer to the Haggis in the past tense. This is not because I think they are extinct but has more to do with the fact that the Scrolls do not appear to have been added to for many years and there are no signs of recent habitation where they were found. What I know, or believe, I will keep to myself. Those of you who read this are free to form your own opinions.
First of all I would like to make it perfectly clear that Haggis were unique to Scotland. They evolved here, when exactly, is not particularly clear, but they were an established species on this earth long before mankind came to be. They were perfectly content to live within the bounds of their own "lands", had no urge to conquer, nor did they feel the need to leave their mark on the world.
From wall paintings found at the site of the Scrolls discovery it can be established that Haggis were in fact short and squat little creatures with a thin covering of hair. Adults were around 12 inches long. A body of about eight inches tapering rapidly to a head and neck that appeared almost as one at one end and a short stubby little one inch tail at the other. They had four legs not three as some traditional human tales would have you believe. The legs were short and muscular with haunches rather like that of a cat. They also appear to have been able to move easily with the legs on one side retracted slightly. This would have allowed them to move across mountainsides and remain perfectly upright at the same time. On the hind legs the feet had four horny toes each around an inch long, the undersides having pads, again like a cat. Their forelegs were unusual in that at first glance the forefeet were pretty much identical to the back ones. But closer inspection revealed that the toes were actually folded under the feet when moving around and when unfolded, extended a further 2 and a half inches becoming "fingers". This would give them the capability of grip and simplifies how they had the ability to write and handle tools etc. When in communal groups they would sit upright on their haunches rather like a squirrel but they would rest or sleep lying down.
Thousands of years before the Romans came to Britain, Haggis roamed freely all over the area we now know as Scotland. The Haggis called this land "Haggyrr"...Realm of the Haggis. There were five great Clans or "Barrs". Each Barr had it’s administrative centre located deep in the bowels of five of Scotland’s great mountains; Ben Wyvis, Ben Nevis, Ben Klibreck, Ben Cruachan and lastly Ben Lomond. I have used the more familiar names of those mountains as the Haggis words for them are unpronounceable.
According to the writings there was at one time a sixth Barr. It was located on An Teallach and abandoned several centuries ago. The Scrolls are shy of detail, but tell of a series of terrible altercations with an unusually large group of, what I understand to be, golden eagles. Resulting in the haggis being forced off the mountain altogether. The Haggis refer to these events as "The Expulsion!" and have avoided getting too near An Teallach ever since.
Every Barr appears to have been dependent on all of the others for goods or services in one form or another. The largest was that which lived within the realms of Ben Lomond. This southernmost Barr was concerned with supplying tradesmen and craftsmen as well as being the prime source of all manufactured goods within Haggyrr.
Ben Cruachan being the most central, supplied traders, merchants, scribes and keepers of accounts.. Ben Nevis was a comparatively small community and was primarily concerned with teaching the skills required to become a "Honrr" or Rock Shaper. Craftsmen who spent many years developing the skills to mould and shape the hard mountain rock into homes, beds, seats and tools. Haggis homes were moulded as one, the rooms, chairs, work surfaces etc. were formed directly from the natural rock, and could not be moved. The normal practice when furnishings were removed was to use the room as a store, as remoulding would result in a much larger room, making it more difficult to heat, light etc. It could be that this practice stemmed from the days when Scotland was still forming its land mass into the shape we now know it. Items would be less likely to fall and cause damage or injury when the surfaces they were placed upon moved with the rock during earthquakes, land-slips etc. But as it is so difficult to be definite about the length of time Haggis have existed, this is very much a theory.
Ben Wyvis was the centre of learning for all workers of the land, farmers, gardeners etc. Another task that fell to this Barr was to instruct in the art of "Warrming". "Warrmrrs" were Haggis who spent many decades learning how to use natural elements extracted from rock to provide heating and lighting in their communities. Unfortunately I have so far been unable to decipher any part of the Scrolls that would explain how they did this.
An Teallach (site of "The Expulsion!")
Lastly, came the Haggis from Ben Klibreck in the Western Highlands. This was probably the most important and by far the most respected Barr. Although it is one of Scotland’s smaller mountains it was from here that the "Lorehaggi" came. Lorehaggi were the spiritual leaders and keepers of wisdom for all of Haggyrr, skilled in the arts of healing, teaching, lawmaking and diplomacy. It is also believed that some of them were fairly well versed in sorcery, but whether they were actually magicians or just well practiced in sleight of hand and illusion is difficult to ascertain.
Each Barr, except Ben Klibreck, was governed by a High Council of 13 Elderhaggis known as the "Haggi". (Many people would have you believe that Haggi is the plural of Haggis. Let me assure you this is not the case.) Three Lorehaggi, the "Warrmrrd" and "Honrrd" (senior Warrmrr and Honrr of the Barr), the "Harrgg" (senior administrator for the community), two males and two females from the locality and a representative from each of the other Barrs made up the 13 members of the Haggi. Within the Haggi the Lorehaggi were primarily advisers, using their great knowledge and wisdom to ensure that all decisions were made in accordance with long established tradition and practice. Although one of them, usually the eldest was appointed "Haggrrd" or Head of the Council, they would only be required to vote if the remaining members found themselves tied on an issue. If this situation occurred they would retire from the meeting, make their own decision and return to vote as one. Administration within Haggyrr was not overburdened with rules and regulations as most issues of government had already been established over many generations of practice and tradition.
They had great respect for age. It was generally considered that the older a Haggis was, the wiser he or she was, without exception. The average life-span of a Haggis being 140 years. Adulthood was reached at 37 and they didn’t achieve Elderhaggis status until their 101st birthday.
Haggis did not practice any religion bar that of worshipping nature itself. They would eat only what could be grown from the land and where possible made no demands of the land or it’s other forms of life at all. They had no use for oils or precious metals and would only use wood from fallen trees. They would not kill another creature and for one Haggis to deliberately cause harm to another was unthinkable. They do not appear to have had many enemies although there is some mention of "great golden birds who would take an unwary Haggis for it’s supper".................probably a reference to eagles which in these days would have been a lot more prolific than they are now. Another interesting item I discovered in the Scrolls was a reference to "avoiding the family of giant creatures in the great waters between Nevis and Wyvis after sunset as they will take many a Haggis before their hunger wanes". I can only discern from this that the Haggis refer to the large and deep lochs that now form part of the Caledonian Canal and were very afraid of something that lived within them.
Haggis never married, their life partners were chosen for them by the Lorehaggi and strangely enough this arrangement actually seemed to work. Apparently the practice was to pick three males and three females at around age 31, after they had returned from their respective Wastrr periods. (see later for explanation of "Wastrr") They would then be observed discreetly over a period of time, and notes made of their likes, dislikes, habits and foibles etc. These observations would be recorded and compared by the Lorehaggi involved and decisions made based on these findings. Then when the subjects reached adulthood at 37 they would also discover who their partners for life would be. It is important to note that none of the young Haggis being observed knew who their potential mates would be nor when they were being observed. This practice although the normal way of things in Haggyrr, was not rigid. On occasion it was discovered that some Haggis youngsters would find his or her ideal mate without any help, so these "couples" were left alone to make their own decisions. But this happened only in rare instances. Partnerships were officially formed at age 40. At which time female Haggis were able to conceive and have the one child nature allowed them to have. Unfortunately the female could only become pregnant once in her life, the period of possible conception occurring between her 40th and 43rd year, the period of pregnancy lasting 13 months. Haggis children or "Haggin" were born as hairless copies of the adults apart from the lack of development of "fingers" on their forefeet, these did not appear until the Haggin were 2 years old. The hair would grow inside six months, always a shade of brown that varied depending on where they were born, the hair being darker the further north a Haggis was from. The age of any Haggis could be determined by the quantity of silver hairs in its coat. The older the Haggis the more silver. The hair on the head and legs would remain the original colour throughout their lives.
Ben Wyvis
There appears to have been three stages of childhood. From birth to age 14, Haggin spent most of their time in nursery areas, learning (as do human children) to play and form associations etc. and be given a very basic education. From 14 to 28 they would be referred to as "Haggetts" (...teenagers to us) and would return to their parents homes and attend school proper where they would be educated in Haggis history and traditions, how to care for the land and basic craft skills as well as the usual mathematics and language lessons. Haggis teachers were known as "Harrd". On leaving school they were allowed three years to pretty much do as they liked. From this point on they were generally regarded as young but fairly responsible Haggis. They would travel and learn about the land and their people at first hand. During this period they were also expected to decide what they were going to do with their lives. Generally Haggis would follow the same path in life as that of one of their parents but there were always exceptions and all options excepting that of Lorehaggi were open to them. Haggis going through this stage of life were known as "Wastrrs". When the Wastrrs returned home they would finish their education and have a fairly rudimentary knowledge of whatever vocation they chose to follow by the time they reached adulthood.
You will by now have ascertained something of the Lorehaggi and their status in the eyes of their kinfolk based on what I have said about their role in Haggis Society in general. The Lorehaggi themselves don’t appear to have considered themselves an elitist group. In fact Haggis who became Lorehaggi came from all parts of Haggyrr and didn’t necessarily have to be of Lorehaggi parentage to become so. (In fact it was often the case that Lorehaggi offspring did not follow their parents way of life.) The procedure for becoming Lorehaggi began during their teenage (Haggett) years. They would normally have by this time shown some character traits that would cause them to stand out a little from their peers. The traits may have taken the form of an above average capacity for learning, leadership qualities, evidence of wisdom, empathy or understanding beyond their years and suchlike, but that would only be sufficient to bring them to the Lorehaggi’s attention. It would take a further few years of discreet observation to establish whether these traits would be with them throughout their lives. As with the "marriage" procedures these observations were kept entirely secret from those being observed. At the end of their Haggett years and just before they began their Wastrr periods the subjects would be approached and offered the opportunity to become "Loreginn", novice Lorehaggi. It is important to note that the choice to actually become Loreginn was left to the subjects themselves. They would begin their Wastrr years and should they decide to accept would finish their travels at Ben Klibreck instead of returning to their home Barrs. They would then spend the next 30 or so years gaining the knowledge of the Lorehaggi. They would learn in great detail the ways of their kinfolk and the traditions and practices that formed the Haggis way of life. They would also learn objectivity and patience, both very important to the Lorehaggi way. Should they show any particular talent for a specific field they would be actively encouraged to develop it. During this period they would also probably take partners and have their children. At age 65 they became Lorehaggi, but would continue to seek knowledge for the rest of their lives.
As I mentioned earlier some of the Lorehaggi were believed to possess magic powers but on reading the Scrolls, which were obviously written by a succession of Lorehaggi it becomes apparent that some of them had a special talent for creating effects and using tricks to amuse themselves and others. Others were known for their abilities to narrate tales, while yet more gained respect for their knowledge or wisdom.
The Haggis way of life was generally very simple, they had no closed societies. Even Ben Klibreck although home of the Lorehaggi and in one of the more remote and bleak regions of Scotland was a known to be a happy and welcoming place. Haggis were sociable creatures and enjoyed travelling and making new friends. They had great respect for each other and for the land in which they lived. It may be that you have gained the impression Haggyrr was an almost perfect place to live and the Haggis had a perfect society. No crime, no hunger, no poverty, no illness, a peaceful and harmonious way of life. I also know some of you reading this may be a little cynical and find this concept a little hard to swallow, but it is the way they chose to live, it is what is written in the Scrolls. They were obviously happy with their lives... so who are we to deny it?..............thank you for reading.
Note from the author/translator: First of all I would like to point out that this is not meant to be a literary, or for that matter, grammatically perfect, masterpiece and I appreciate that some of you may take my article a little tongue in cheek.....so be it, that is your prerogative. But for those of you out there who choose to believe I welcome you to the fold. I will do my utmost to prevent historians, biologists, film-makers, fortune seekers and general money grabbing opportunists etc. from obtaining the "Scrolls" and from discovering where they were found. No amount of persuasion will force me to part with them, nor do I wish to see the Haggis exposed to all that modern commercialism can throw in their direction. So be assured believers, the Haggis legend will be protected.
Copyright:- L A Maclennan, Professor Emeritus in Haggis Mythology & Leg-end, University of Droontndrookit Inverness, Scotland.....1998
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